


Our life in Letters

by blackm00n5



Series: Our life in Letters [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Buck is a Good Dad, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Domestic Fluff, Domesticity, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Angst, Notes, Pre-Relationship, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25043920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackm00n5/pseuds/blackm00n5
Summary: Buck had done it on a whim, the first time. He didn't plan on it becoming a thing.Or, Five times Buck wrote a note for Eddie and one time Eddie wrote one for Buck.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Our life in Letters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854250
Comments: 52
Kudos: 475





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Is it not enough that I wrote the fic? I have to name it too? 
> 
> I'm brandy new to 911 but buddie is my reason for living and Christopher is an angel. If I've forgotten a tag, please let me know!

It had started on a whim. Almost accidental, a sudden idea that Buck had done as he was setting up to leave for the day. One of the rare shifts he had that did not line up with Eddie’s. They didn’t happen often, few and far between. The station didn’t often like breaking up established teams, didn’t like risking the safety of the general public by sending out a team of near strangers to help them. But, sometimes it was unavoidable. People needing to switch shifts, people sick or family emergencies. So, sometimes Buck had to suffer a shift without his best friend.

And he knew it was tough for Eddie, too. Buck knew he could get frustrated with having to work with other people who didn’t know him the way Buck knew him. People who didn’t know where his mind was going before he did, who didn’t understand what was being implied in his short, clinical responses under pressure. He got frustrated when he was working with people who didn’t know him and how he worked and Buck knew he’d be frustrated on this long night shift, too. 

Because having all that on top of having to miss his time at home with Christopher? He was going to be miserable. 

So Buck had snagged the little pack of sticky notes out of the junk drawer in their kitchen. An obnoxious, highlighter pink color, and he dug around until he could find a pen that would actually write. 

He scribbled out a handful of words quickly, doodling a little smiley face next to it before he tossed the pen back into the junk drawer and made his way to the lockers. He pushed the note onto the back of Eddie’s locker, where he knew Eddie would see it. Ignoring the raised brow he received from Hen when she saw him twirling Eddie’s lock combo easily. As if it were his own. There was an odd sense of satisfaction settling in his chest when he closed Eddie’s locker back up, a tiny quirk to his lips as he finished up gathering his own belongings to head back home.

Or rather, head back to Eddie’s. 

He had promised morning waffles, after all. And why make Carla spend the night if he could go and spend time with Christopher? It certainly sounded better than going to an empty apartment and a cold bed. Spending the evening and night with Christopher, waking up to make breakfast and welcome Eddie home? Sounded like the best possible option. 

Which kind of struck him, sometimes. Not too long ago, Buck’s idea of a good night would be going out. A bar or even a club, getting a couple drinks and maybe going home with someone if he found someone who wanted to. A far cry from the frankly domestic plans he had for tonight. But he wouldn’t change it for anything, he really wouldn’t. He knew he wasn’t going to wake up feeling emptier and colder than he had when he went to bed, he knew he wasn’t going to spend hours debating if he regretted this decision or not. He knew he was going to wake up warm and satisfied, feeling lazy and languid until he was inevitably dragged out of Eddie’s bed by a hungry eight year old. And he knew he was going to be even more satisfied when Eddie walked in and his face would smooth out and soften upon seeing the fresh pot of coffee and plate full of whatever type of waffles Christopher had asked for. He wouldn’t be surprised that Buck was there, he’d given him a key for a reason, and Buck knew he would accept his cup of coffee and immediately start in on asking Christopher how his night with Buck went. 

It would feel natural. Easy. Like Buck belonged there.

For the first time in perhaps his entire life, Buck felt like he was part of a family. 

Which wasn’t to discredit his team, of course not. Bobby and his fatherly shoulder touches, Hen and Chim with their sibling-esque teasing. Of course Buck considered them his family. But being with Eddie and Christopher, knowing he was trusted to take care of that amazing kid, knowing Eddie trusted him with a key to his house and his contact information in Christopher’s emergency contacts list at school? Being welcomed in so eagerly, so easily. The smile Christopher had when he saw him, the ease with which Buck could move around the Diaz house as if it were his own. It felt like he was finally part of the family he never got to have. 

Buck was still pondering this when he passed by Eddie on his way out. He offered a smile, holding his arm up so Eddie could knock their wrists together in a strange parody of a fist bump. Eddie returned his smile, but he already looked exhausted. 

“Was pretty slow all day,” Buck said, turning so he was facing Eddie as Eddie continued walking. “Here’s hoping it stays that way.” 

Eddie glanced over his shoulder at him, slowing his steps as he offered his own little grin. 

“You just cursed me.” He said. Buck’s smile grew.

“You got this.” He offered a thumbs up, laughing when Eddie rolled his eyes and turned forward again. 

Eddie could hear Buck’s laughter follow him as he continued into the station, could feel it vibrating in his chest and warming him from his core out. The same queasy feeling he got every time Buck laughed, a feeling he steadfastly refused to examine because it reminded him far too much of the feeling he would get as a teenager when Shannon would blush and duck her head or smile shyly at him. He couldn’t help his own little smile, some of the tension bleeding out of his shoulders as he made his way inside and towards his locker. 

Shifts like this sucked. There was no way around it. He hated being shouldered into a team he didn’t know, a group of people he didn’t know for a fact he could trust. Which made him feel a little guilty, because these were all people with a goal of protecting the general public. He should know he can trust them but even in knowing the logic of it, Eddie couldn’t relax with them the way he could with his own team. He hated not having the inside jokes or the casual atmosphere when he had to be surrounded by these people he barely knew. As if he didn’t belong. 

That brief interaction with Buck had eased his tension, but he knew it was going to be a long night.

Eddie went through the motions of opening his locker up, moving partially through muscle memory. He sighed as he put his bag inside, eyes not really focusing on anything, and he was about to shut the door when bright pink caught his attention and jerked him from that almost dazed, disconnected haze. He blinked a few times, then his brows furrowed as he reached to grab the sticky note half stuck to the back of his locker.

_ Hope you have a good shift, GI, me and Christopher will be waiting with waffles. - B _

Eddie stared down at the little post it note for a long moment, an embarrassingly dopey smile dragging across his face as he read it, read it again, and then read it a third time. That oddly pleasant, queasy feeling came back tenfold and he felt his heart pounding in the base of his throat as the rest of the tension drained from him. 

There was so much packed into such a little note. A handful of words scribbled in Buck’s surprisingly neat handwriting that had so much meaning in them. That Buck knew he’d be having a rough shift, that he wanted to give him something to make it seem even just a little more bearable. The ease with which Buck announced he’d be at the house waiting for him, how he didn’t hesitate to offer to make breakfast and that he knew he was more than welcome to just show up at the house whenever he wanted to. It felt easy and right. Like he didn’t even need to be told Buck would be there because it should just be a given. 

Eddie wasn’t prepared to ponder why that was.

He let out a contented little sigh, and he folded the post it to place it safely in his pocket.

* * *

If Buck were to be perfectly honest, it was a little embarrassing how often he slept in Eddie’s bed. Eddie had a guest room, so really there was no reason for Buck to sleep in his bed. And the first few times, Buck  _ had _ slept in that guest room. He would drag himself off the couch and collapse on that bed that somehow felt more cold and empty than his own. That had changed when he woke up to crashing and groaning, finding Eddie in the throes of a PTSD induced night terror. He had woken him up, soothed him through the aftershocks. They hadn’t really talked about it, but the next time Buck spent the night, he had crawled into Eddie’s bed and Eddie hadn’t even blinked. And now it was just...a thing. 

They usually fell asleep with a respectable amount of space between them, but Buck would wake up with Eddie curled around him. Their legs tangled, a strong arm thrown over his waist to hold him close. The warmth of another body inviting him to snuggle closer despite how he knew he didn’t get to keep it. Despite how he knew that it wasn’t his to take.

But there was something so damn satisfying about blinking awake in Eddie’s bed, the smell of a pleasant cologne lingering around him as sunlight filtered in through the half shut curtains and a tiny hand shaking his shoulder. Immediately, a smile tugged across Buck’s face as his vision cleared up and Christopher’s bright face came into focus. 

“Mornin’ superman.” He greeted, voice rough and hoarse from sleep. “Ready for waffles?” 

Christopher let out a little noise that was more a hum than a laugh and nodded. Buck rolled onto his back, arching off the bed to stretch as he let out a satisfied little groan. He sat up, waiting for Christopher to shift out of the way before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to stand up. He gestured with his head, and Christopher took off as fast as he could go out into the hallway and towards the kitchen. 

By the time Buck got out to the kitchen, Christopher had already pulled out the biggest mixing bowl from the bottom cupboard and was dragging a chair over from the table so he would be able to reach the counter. Buck placed a hand on Christopher’s shoulder, putting his other hand on the chair to assist him. Letting him do a fair amount of the work, knowing damn well that Christopher wanted to do it. That Christopher was determined to do as much by himself as possible. It was something Buck admired about him. That strength, that bravery. The fact that he was smart enough to know he had limitations but also stubborn enough to turn his nose up at those limitations and push beyond them, anyway.

Buck reached to help Christopher up onto the chair, then leaned on the counter to grin at him. 

“Alright, buddy. What kind of waffles are we making?” He asked. 

Christopher's brows furrowed together, the expression of a child taking this question into the most serious consideration. When he didn’t answer right away, Buck ruffled his hair.

“You take a minute to think about that, and I’ll get the coffee started?” He offered, already stepping towards the cabinet with the coffee in it. And he loved that. Loved knowing Eddie’s kitchen like it was his own, knowing where the coffee was, knowing how to work the coffee pot better than Eddie, himself, did. 

When the coffee pot was set up and beginning to brew, Buck turned back to Christopher. Christopher nodded once, firmly, and smiled. 

“We should make banana and chocolate chip.” He announced. Buck grinned again.

“Sounds like a plan.” He said, holding a hand up for a fist bump.

There was a fresh pot of coffee, a platter full of waffles and a dusting of waffle mix on every surface when Eddie walked through the door about an hour later. Buck grinned at him from his spot in front of the waffle maker, reaching for the fresh cup of coffee he had poured just a minute or two prior to hand it over. He watched Eddie’s shoulders drop and his face soften as he walked in, watched as Eddie dropped his bag and took the proffered cup of coffee with a thankful nod and watched as he ducked to kiss Christopher’s head. 

“We missed you, Daddy!” Christopher announced, smiling brightly up at Eddie and if there had been any tension left in his body, Buck knew that adoring look was enough to erase it. 

“I missed you, too.” Eddie answered, his own smile growing. 

“We made waffles!” Christopher added, gesturing to the precariously piled platter of waffles waiting on the counter. Eddie chuckled, raising a brow as he looked over the kitchen.

“I can see that.” He said. “I can also see the mess you made in the kitchen.” 

“You can’t make waffles without making a mess, Eddie. You would know that if you knew how to cook.” Buck mused, gesturing at him with a batter covered spatula. He winced comically when a glob of batter slid off and landed on the floor. Eddie raised a brow at him, sipping his coffee in the most pointed way possible and Buck responded by turning back to the waffle maker. 

Eddie rolled his eyes, toeing his boots off as he settled down in the chair beside Christopher. Watching as Buck finished up with the last of the batter with a soft, fond little smile on his face that he hid behind his coffee cup. 

“So, how was your awful, terrible, no good bad night?” Buck mused as he poured what was left of the batter into the waffle maker. Christopher giggled brightly and Eddie tried not to smile. He could feel that note like a coal in his pocket, and he paused before answering. 

“Had a pretty solid start to it, so it wasn’t quite so awful, terrible, no good bad.” He answered, the corner of his mouth quirking up.

And he could see the way Buck paused. Could practically hear the gears turning in his head, could almost hear him deciding if that was meant to reference his little note or not. The moment only lasted a handful of seconds before Buck relaxed again and offered a brief little smile over his shoulder that he immediately hid by ducking his head back towards the waffle maker. 

“Glad to know. Would have felt guilty for having an awesome night, otherwise.” He said, off handed and seemingly so casual if you didn’t know Buck the way Eddie did. 

That calculated type of casual. Too easy to be natural, like Buck wasn’t sure what was allowed so he was sticking to the default. Making the very deliberate decision to be nonchalant, to do what was normally expected of him. And Eddie knew it made him a coward, but he was glad for it. He wasn’t sure he had it in him to discuss it. To talk about how the stupidly simple little note had put him in such a good mood that his otherwise bad shift had been actually fairly decent. Eddie wasn’t sure he had it in him to admit to that, to open up like that and allow Buck to see that vulnerable part of him. The part of him that wanted that casual affection because it had been hurt so badly, before. 

“We played video games and watched Cars 2 and Buck read me  _ two _ stories!” Chris said, all but bouncing in his chair and smiling so brightly that Eddie couldn’t help but smile right back.

“Sounds like you had one heck of a night.” He said, softly nudging Christopher. 

“Yup. I’m doomed to a fate of always being destroyed by the Diaz boys in video games.” Buck sighed dramatically as he brought over the plate of waffles. Eddie grinned at him, using his foot to push out the chair opposite from him so Buck could sit. 

“It’s hardly our fault you’re bad at games.” Eddie said, head cocking to the side. Buck gasped in the most dramatic way he could, placing a hand over his chest as if horribly offended, and Christopher burst out into a fit of giggles. 

“He drove right off the track, dad!” He managed to choke out as he laughed, and Buck’s offended expression only grew at the accusation. 

“And after I made you waffles!” He demanded, plopping himself down in the chair Eddie had pushed out for him. “The audacity! My two favorite people ganging up on me!” 

“You’ll survive.” Eddie mused, finally putting his cup down so he could place one of the waffles on Christopher’s plate before dragging one over onto his own. 

And if Eddie noticed how Buck watched him as Christopher started in on explaining their epic Mario Kart marathon, then Eddie didn’t mention it.


	2. Chapter 2

Eddie had assumed it had been a one off thing. That the one note was just a silly thing Buck had done and would forget about it. Eddie hadn’t forgotten about it, of course. That bright pink sticky note was carefully folded and hidden in his wallet. He looked at it, every now and then. When he was having a bad day or if he was just missing Buck more than he was comfortable admitting. In fact, just knowing that little note was even there was enough to make him feel a little lighter, most of the time. Knowing Buck had cared that much, that he had wanted to help him in even the smallest of ways. 

Eddie was in over his head and he knew it. 

The point was, however, that he wasn’t expecting to find any more notes. So it took him aback when he saw another sticky note pressed to his fridge one morning about two weeks after the first.

The second one was not the same obnoxious pink of the first. This one was one of the typical yellow post-it notes, stuck just above a math test Christopher had demanded they display with it’s bold “100%’’ written on the top. But, even if it was a different color note it was still obviously from Buck. It was his handwriting scribbled across the paper, and signed with that smiley face. Eddie tilted his head, reaching to pull the note off the fridge. 

_ Don’t forget, doctor’s appt tomorrow. 2PM, Dr. Linden. Check ups are important, GI, no slacking. -B _

Eddie stared at the note, brain scrambling to keep up. The first thing he felt was that rush of panic that always came from remembering an appointment he had completely forgotten about. The second was confusion, because how the hell had Buck known about that? Eddie didn’t often write things down on his calendar, at least not things that had nothing to do with Christopher. So how had Buck known about the doctor’s appointment?

It hit him, suddenly, and Eddie’s eyes went wide. He’d been at the station when he made the appointment. He had been settled in at the dining table as Buck was busy just a few feet away making lunch. Eddie hadn’t thought much about it, had just rambled off a day and agreed to a time. He hadn’t really thought Buck was paying him any mind, let alone documenting when he was supposed to see his doctor. 

And now Buck was reminding him about it, too.

It was odd, if Eddie were to be completely honest. It was a very odd feeling because when he had been with Shannon - at least, towards the end of their relationship, when things were getting more and more strained and no amount of loving each other was enough to fix the problems they had - her reminders had always frustrated him. It had always felt like she was treating him like a child, had felt condescending even when she hadn’t meant them to. It had always felt like she didn’t trust him enough to let him handle it himself without her there to tell him what to do. So he had always tensed up and fought back. Immediately went on the defensive because it felt like she was attacking him. 

But this didn’t feel like that at all. This made him feel warm. Brought back that sick, queasy feeling deep in his gut and made his chest feel pleasantly tight. This didn’t feel like Buck thought like he couldn’t handle it, it felt like Buck knew he put himself last and would likely forget. This felt like Buck wanted to make sure he was taking care of himself as well because Buck recognized how hard he was trying to do what he could for the people he cared about. For Christopher and Abuela and Aunt Pepa. And this was just Buck’s way of reminding him that he needed to think about himself, too. 

And that warm feeling came with a strong, overpowering weight of guilt. He felt horrible, so horrible, in feeling this warm and pleasant over Buck’s reminder when his own wife’s had been grating and irritating. He felt sick, the pleasant queasiness suddenly torn away until he felt genuinely nauseous at the very idea that he’d been so upset with Shannon’s reminders. Maybe he  _ was _ the bad guy, here. Maybe he was the villain for wanting Buck’s concern when Shannon’s had made him so angry. Maybe she was right, maybe he hadn’t been trying hard enough. Maybe he hadn’t been enough, hadn’t thought of anything but himself and how could he be so selfish to ask for Buck’s love and care when he didn’t deserve it? 

So Eddie did what he did every time he felt this overpowering, awful onslaught of emotion. He crunched it down. He pushed and pushed until he could shove it into a box in the back of his mind where it couldn’t hurt the people around him. He clenched his jaw up, shoulders trembling as he scrunched that note up in his hand and threw it into the trash can.

The note only sat there for about fifteen minutes before Eddie pulled it right back out, lovingly undoing the crunched up folds so he could place it carefully beside the first in his wallet.


	3. Chapter 3

As the notes became more frequent, Eddie decided that he would only keep the ones that felt special in his wallet. The ones that made his chest clench up and his mouth move into a smile before he could stop it. Those were the ones he would keep there, where they would always be with him. Tucked in with his pictures of Christopher and his abuelo's funeral card. 

Which wasn’t to say he didn't keep the others, as well. The generic little notes he found on his counter or in his locker. The little "have a good day" or "try to get some sleep" notes that became more and more frequent as the weeks passed. He kept those too, in a neat little pile in his top drawer. All of those notes meant something to Eddie, all of them made him feel like he had someone who loved him. Even if he knew he didn't deserve it. Stolen bits of intimacy that Eddie knew Buck would offer to anyone because he was just that inherently good. He wanted to share his heart to anyone and everyone who would accept it, just begging someone to hold on to it for him and god, Eddie wanted to. He wanted to grip on tight and protect with the same ferocity he protected his son because Buck deserved that. 

The next "special note" as he had tentatively dubbed them came as even more of a shock than the first two. Eddie had mentioned it  _ once _ , sitting on the couch with Buck late one night. Christopher asleep between them and Brother Bear halfway over on the tv. He had told Buck that when he was a kid, for some inexplicable reason, moose had been his favorite animal. That these monster animals that existed so far away in such a different area of the country had fascinated him when he was a kid. Buck had teased him lightly for a minute or two, then Eddie assumed he had forgotten about the whole thing.

In hindsight, he should have known better. 

It was another one of those annoying, inconvenient days where their shifts didn't quite line up. Buck was going in just an hour before Eddie was off, and had been sending selfies of his morning with Christopher at the newly opened Build-a-Bear workshop at the mall. The pictures had certainly made Eddie’s day more bearable - a pun Buck had been too proud of when he said it and that Eddie tried his best not to smile at as he went back to read the text again and again throughout the day - but also made him desperately wish he were there sharing the experience with them. 

Buck plopped on the couch beside him when he arrived, jostling Eddie and settling down perhaps a bit too close to be considered casual. But that was just how Buck was. He was tactile, he thrived on the contact of the people around him. A friendly nudge against Chim’s hip, resting his chin on Hen’s shoulder to see what she was reading, sitting too close to Eddie until their sides were pressing together and every point of contact felt like fire scorching Eddie’s skin. Until that fire consumed him, the smoke scratching his throat and lungs until he couldn’t breathe and unable to do anything but melt into it.

“Christopher was real upset you weren’t able to be there to put a heart into his dog.” Buck began, kicking a leg up onto the coffee table as he slumped down into the seat. “But the girl told us we can go back and they’ll open him back up so you can stick one in. Seemed to make him feel better.”

“He couldn’t just add an extra for me?” Eddie asked, raising an amused little brow. Buck looked affronted by the idea. 

“Of course not! It’s a very particular process!” He insisted, but the smile tugging at his lips gave him away. “Christopher wanted it to be you. Besides, they tell you to make a wish for the heart before putting it in, anyway, we wouldn’t be able to make your wish for you.”

As silly as it was, it made Eddie smile. It meant something to Christopher, so of course it meant something to him as well. If his son thought it was important for him to be the one to put the heart in, then he would go ahead and do it. And to be honest, he loved that Buck agreed. Buck could have insisted they just put an extra, could have told him it’d be easier and it wouldn’t be a big deal. But he hadn’t. He had listened to Christopher’s desires and had agreed with him, let him make that choice despite how it was, admittedly, a little inconvenient. 

It made him a really good dad.

That thought struck him. Hard and fast and suddenly Eddie felt like he couldn’t breathe, again. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in the way that happened when you were hit with something so stupidly simple that you can’t believe you had never considered it before. The thought had slipped through his conscious so damned easily. Buck was a good dad, Buck took to it like a fish to water and he was doing it for Eddie’s son. He had nestled so easily into their lives, and immediately put himself right into the middle of it all like he belonged there and Eddie wanted it so much it hurt. He ached for it in a way he hadn’t actually thought he’d ever be able to, again. 

Sometimes it felt good. Other times, it made the guilt eat him alive.

“I’ll take him back soon, then.” He said, nodding and tucking his phone into his pocket. Buck hummed, pulling his own phone out. Eddie stayed quiet for a long moment, allowing himself to bask in the feeling of just existing with Buck. Then, he tilted his head to look at him. 

“...What’d you wish?” He asked. Buck jerked, as if he had completely forgotten Eddie was even there, and he gaped at him as he tried to figure out what was being asked. Eddie couldn’t help but grin at him. “You said they told you to wish on the heart before putting it in. What’d you wish?” 

Buck blinked, then his face softened and that tiny, almost bashful smile settled onto his lips. The smile that Eddie liked to think was meant for him even though he knew that was selfish. But, Eddie held onto it, anyway. The softness in Buck’s face, the warmth in his pretty eyes. The way he practically glowed, it made Eddie feel like a teenager with a crush again. 

“I didn’t say I put a heart into him.” He said, and the fact that he called the stuffed animal a ‘him’ instead of an ‘it’ made Eddie’s stomach flip pleasantly.

“We both know you did.” Eddie countered easily, watching that smile on Buck’s face grow. “I’d even bet Christopher didn’t have to ask you.” 

Buck ducked his head with a little chuckled and nodded, reaching up to brush his thumb over his bottom lip like he always did when he was embarrassed or nervous. It was one of the first little habits that Eddie had noticed, and so far it was one of his favorite quirks. 

“Yeah, yeah. I just wished for Christopher to get what he wants out of life. He deserves it.” He said, looking down at his blank phone screen instead of at Eddie. 

And Eddie wanted to sob. It was silly and childish, making a wish on a tiny heart to put inside a stuffed animal. And yet, Buck had done it eagerly and easily and had wished for Christopher’s happiness. He had put Eddie’s son first, yet again, and Eddie was hit harshly with the realization that he was painfully, disgustingly in love with this man. And when that realization hit, Eddie immediately felt like an idiot. Because of course he was in love with Buck, how could he have not realized until now? He had been desperate for Buck’s affection, for that casual intimacy that only came from wholly uncasual relationships that seemed to come so easily to them. And it had been like this for months, so why was he only just now realizing it? 

Eddie was left to ponder this for the last hour of his shift. Ended up thinking about it his entire drive home, so distracted he almost didn’t even notice the fact that he was driving at all, which made it a wonder he even made it home. 

And he was still thinking about it as he walked into his unfortunately empty home, Chris spending the night with a friend from school. Eddie was glad Christopher was making friends so easily and had sleepovers to go to, but Eddie didn’t know how to enjoy a night that didn’t involve cartoons and legos, anymore. 

Everything came to a screeching halt as he turned the light on, though. There, sitting on the counter, was a stuffed animal. An army green moose, cute little antlers made with a camouflage fabric. And Eddie knew it couldn’t be Christopher’s, because all the pictures Buck had sent him were of a blue and yellow dog. Eddie’s brows furrowed, and he placed his keys and wallet on the counter as he walked over to it. His confusion turned to adoration when he saw one of those sticky notes on the counter in front of it. 

_ Camo moose! It made me think of you and I have no impulse control. Christopher named him, and he’s got two hearts full of wishes for you. Sorry you couldn’t come with us, GI, but we didn’t forget about you. -B _

Eddie’s throat tightened up, his heart pounding so hard it echoed in his ears. It was so stupid, just a silly little stuffed animal. But Buck had thought about him. Had remembered the one, offhanded comment he had made one time about liking moose, was offering him this silly little gift because it made Buck think of him. It felt like so much more than just a stupid stuffed animal, it felt like so much more than just a friend being a friend. And Eddie felt embarrassed by the wetness in his eyes even though no one was there to see it. 

He placed the sticky note back down and he carefully picked up the moose to examine it. Holding it in one hand as his other rubbed over the soft material of those camouflage antlers. It was soft, just a little understuffed to make it easier to move and squeeze. As if Buck had expected him to hug like he was a child. 

Eddie was admittedly kind of tempted to.

Fuck it. No one was there to judge him. 

He hugged the little stuffed animal to his chest, his smile growing as he did so. No one needed to know he did it, after all. No one was there to see him be so open and vulnerable. He lingered a moment, then put the plush back down on the counter. He saw the ‘birth certificate’ last. A fancy piece of paper with a handwritten name on it. And Eddie’s heart jumped into his throat, those butterflies exploding in his gut because there was no denying that’s what this feeling was, anymore.

On that piece of paper, proudly written beside the Name spot, was Sergeant Marvin Buckley-Diaz. 

Sergeant seemed to be written in Buck’s handwriting, and Christopher clearly took over after that. Something about seeing his last name right there with Buck’s made him feel dizzy. And Eddie felt like an idiot for it. Like he was some teenager girl from a hallmark movie, writing his name with Buck’s in a notebook because he had a crush. It was so juvenile, it was so dumb. 

And it felt so damn good.

Eddie hadn’t thought he’d ever feel like this again. He had never thought he’d ever be able to feel this light and dizzy and happy like he had back when he was still a teenager with a new girlfriend. A young adult with a beautiful wife. The father of a brand new family. He was happy with his son, of course, but that happiness was so different than the kind one got from a lover. 

Not that Buck was his lover. Eddie was fairly certain he didn’t deserve that.

But even still, this was enough. A best friend who always had his back, a partner he could trust and someone for Christopher to look up to and adore God forbid anything ever happened to Eddie. Buck put his all into every relationship in his life and Eddie wouldn’t ask for more. He didn’t need it. Buck already gave so much and Eddie was happy enough with this, with these sweet notes and thoughtful gestures. Having a best friend he could trust above all else was more than enough. 

That’s what Eddie was going to keep telling himself.

He took that note, placed it lovingly inside his wallet with the other two he wanted to keep close, and he lovingly took Sergeant Marvin and his birth certificate to proudly display on his bureau.

If Buck noticed it the next time he spent the night, he didn’t mention it.


	4. Chapter 4

Abuela’s birthday was always a big deal. The entire family liked to gather to celebrate, so it was always planned weeks in advance to make sure everyone could request days off and make their plans to come out and see her. It was one of the best things about living in LA, if Eddie were to be perfectly honest. He had such easy access to her home, could just drive over to visit, didn’t need to plan out a week long vacation to haul Christopher onto a plane or into the car to see her. It was easy and convenient and he knew she loved having him come visit. 

He hadn’t been surprised when Abuela eagerly invited Buck over to her big birthday bash, but Eddie could see the shock on his parent’s faces when Buck walked in as if he lived there. Not bothering to knock - he rarely did, especially when he knew Abuela was expecting him - and smiling brightly as Christopher cried out excitedly for him and Abuela stood to greet him. There was shock on his sister’s faces, too, but the look his parents offered seemed far more upset than either of his sister’s did. 

When Buck came over to sit beside him, he nudged an opened beer into Eddie’s hand with a smile, settling down easily as Abuela fussed over him from her seat. Buck laughed, shaking his head.

“I promise, Abuela, I’ve been eating just fine. I’m always this pale, I don’t tan at all, I burn easy.” He huffed, shaking his head and glancing at Eddie. “That year in South America, I’m pretty sure I single handedly kept the sunscreen business afloat.” 

Eddie snorted into his beer, and he straight up laughed out loud when Buck glowered at him. 

“He’s right, Abuela, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look darker than wall plaster.” He mused, and laughed yet again when Buck smacked him. 

Isabel hummed, smiling warmly at the two as she completely settled back down. “Buck, you have not met my son and his wife, yet?” She asked.

Buck smiled, turning his attention to Eddie’s parents. “I haven’t, no.” He said, standing again so he could offer his hand. 

While Ramon and Helena had been clearly shocked when they saw Buck enter so casually, they had covered it with a pleasant enough expression by the time Buck turned his attention to them. Ramon stood as well, taking Buck’s hand for a firm, brief shake. 

“Mom, Papi, this is my friend Buck. We work together.” Eddie said, but something about it felt almost strained despite it sounding casual. Like he was worried about what would happen, unsure what he was allowed to call Buck because he was so much more than his friend, even if he would never get to have him. 

“He’s our _ best _ friend, Dad.” Christopher corrected him as he climbed up into the spot between Eddie and Buck’s seat. Eddie smiled at him. 

“Sorry. He’s our best friend and we work together.” He said, looking down at Chris before lifting his gaze again.

When Buck sat back down and smiled at Chris, Eddie was struck by the expression. By the pride shining in his eyes at being labeled their best friend. Like it was the greatest honor that Christopher could bestow upon him and Eddie felt his heart skip in his chest and felt those butterflies run rampant in his stomach despite his best efforts to stomp them out. From the corner of his eye, he could see Sophia and Adriana exchange a look. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you...Buck?” Helena said, tentative like she wasn’t sure she had heard that correctly. 

“Evan Buckley. But I couldn’t tell you the last time someone used my first name.” Buck explained, wincing slightly. 

“I like Buck better, anyway.” Christopher said, reaching to put his hand on Buck’s wrist. Buck’s smile came back full force as he looked down at Christopher, the adoration clear on his face and it made those butterflies in Eddie’s stomach swarm that much more. 

“Yeah, I do too.” Buck answered.

* * *

A few hours later, the sun had set and the only people left at Abuela’s aside from Buck and Eddie were Eddie’s parents. Christopher had dozed off between Eddie and Buck some time ago, nestled between them with his head in Eddie’s lap and absently holding onto Buck’s hand. Buck had easily given his hand up, and had made no move to take it back since. 

Christopher grumbled and shifted as Ramon was in the middle of telling a story of one of his teenage escapades, and everyone turned their attention to him. Isabel tutted gently, waving a hand towards the door. 

“Put him in my bed, let him be comfortable until you are ready to go home.” She insisted. Eddie nodded, placing his drink down so he could move. 

Before he could, Buck was gently freeing his hand from Christopher’s hold and gesturing for Eddie to stay seated. 

“I got him. Sit and talk to your parents, you don’t get to see them often.” He insisted, offering that soft little smile of his. The one that he got when they fell just over that line into ‘too domestic’. The smile he got when they trekked a little too far into territory that was too intimate for ‘just friends’ and neither one of them were going to mention it. 

“Buck, you don’t have to-” Eddie began, but Buck cut him off before he could finish.

“I got him, Eddie.” He insisted before smiling again as he bent down to start gathering Christopher up into his arms. “I’ll come get you if he wakes up. He won’t know the difference either way.” 

Eddie held a hand up in defeat. If Buck insisted, there wasn't much point in arguing it. He shifted a bit as Buck pulled Christopher into his arms, reaching to steady them until Buck had a firm hold. He settled back down as he watched him go, cradling Christopher close and softly cooing to him to try and keep him soothed as he was rearranged. Eddie's gaze followed him about halfway to the door, then he turned his attention back to his family. His beer was halfway up to his lips before he noticed the pointed expression on their faces.

He sighed, a heavy and exhausted sound, because he knew that look. He knew whatever they were going to say, he wasn't going to like it. He put his beer down on the side table, gesturing vaguely toward his parents.

"Alright. Just say whatever it is so we can get it over with. What's the issue." He said, voice short and a little sharp. Ramon and Helena glanced at each other, and Helena leaned forward to face Eddie.

"Eddie. Doesn't it seem like you're relying on others a bit too much?" She asked, in that condescending tone that sounded like she didn't think Eddie could handle himself. Eddie's jaw clenched up until he could hear his teeth grinding together.

“You saw me about to get up. I had it handled. Buck offering to do something I could have done doesn’t mean I’m relying on him for it.” He said, speaking slow and level. A forced calm. Manufactured, meant to try and keep his quickly tipping temper from going out of control. Helena pressed her lips into a thin line.

“You’re clearly struggling to do this alone, Eddie. A single father with such a demanding job, and it hasn’t gotten any better since we last had this conversation, you should come home so we can help you.” She insisted, her voice earnest and genuine. And despite how Eddie knew it was said with good intent, he couldn’t help but feel his already dangerously high anger level spike up.

“I’m not doing this alone, mom.” He demanded, his hand clamping up over his knee. “We have family here to help. We have a life here. We have Abuela and Aunt Pepa. We’ve got a solid school for him and a stable job for me. We have my team from work, I have-” He hesitated, just a second, with the start of Buck’s name already on his lips. But it was enough of a hesitation for him to feel his father’s firm gaze on him.

“Buck?” Ramon continued for him, and there was something about the tone he used that had every muscle in Eddie’s body seize up. Made his defenses fly into gear, like he knew an attack was coming and he couldn’t breathe. He had known what he was about to say, but to be called out on it like that in such a tone. Disapproving wasn’t quite right, but it was the best word Eddie could think of to describe it.

“Why do you say it like that?” He forced out through his teeth, his hand so tight around his knee he couldn’t quite feel his fingers. Ramon sighed and pinched at the bridge of his nose.

“You just...seem close.” He said, and the subtext there was so loud and obvious it made Eddie feel sick. Not the idea of it - because even if he refused to admit it out loud he couldn’t deny how badly he wanted Buck - but the way his father said it. Like it was something to be ashamed of, a bad thing. The same tone he had used when Eddie had announced his plans to propose to Shannon, the same tone he had used when Eddie had welcomed her back into his and Christopher's lives. 

The tone he used when he thought Eddie was in over his head. 

Which Eddie was. Just in a very, very different way than his parents were thinking he was.

“And it just seems like a risky idea, Eddie, that’s all. Bringing someone new into Christopher’s life, so soon after losing his mother. Someone who’s in the same, dangerous job you are. You have to think about what’s best for Christopher.” Helena continued. Like she always did, so much better as getting the words out than her husband. Always able to make her meaning perfectly clear but sometimes that made Eddie even more angry.

“Buck isn’t-” He started, looking off to the side when his voice cracked and he staunchly refused to wince. “Christopher is my priority. He’s happy here, he likes his school and his friends and the people we spend our time with. I will not apologize for putting his happiness above yours.”

“We just think” Ramon started, but before he could get anything else out, Isabel smacked her hand on the arm of her chair and all three of them snapped their attention to her.

“Enough of this.” She demanded, voice sharp and firm. “Christopher is Eddie’s child, not yours. It is his decision on how to raise him and should he feel he needs the help, I trust him to swallow his pride and ask for it. You can argue about this all you want when you’re not in my home. Am I understood?”

It was silent for a moment, then Eddie and Ramon both nodded and seemed to deflate. Eddie grabbed his beer back up, taking too aggressive of a sip. The silence lingered a bit too long. Tense and heavy and Eddie felt his nerve endings twitching. He felt ready to run, to fight. Nervous energy thrumming under his skin and making his knee bounce.

It only lasted a handful of seconds despite feeling like it had dragged on for hours. But that tension drained out of Eddie as soon as he heard that door open back up and the familiar cadence of Bucks footsteps coming from behind him. He looked up at him as Buck came around to sit back down beside him. Buck handed over a water bottle, then opened the second one in his hand.

"Still out?" Eddie asked as he took the proffered bottle. Buck nodded, smiling warmly at him. The expression was enough for any lingering anxiety to fade away. Eddie didn't need to be on edge because Buck was there to hold him up if he needed it.

"Dead to the world, still." He confirmed. Eddie nodded, his own lips curving up into a smile. Soft and warm and so damn open that it scared him, sometimes. 

Eddie nodded a bit, sipping his water to try to hide that smile and ignoring the looks his parents exchanged in favor of listening to Buck as he explained how Christopher had mumbled in his sleep and held onto Bucks neck so tight that Buck had been forced to stay for a minute or two longer. 

* * *

Eddie knew there was another note when he put his jacket on to go home. He felt it in the pocket as he grabbed his keys, and his gaze immediately snapped over to where Buck was hugging Abuela goodnight. He quickly made the decision to wait to read it. He rarely read the notes in front of people, mostly because he rarely found them when he had an audience. Something he was fairly certain Buck did on purpose. Another example of Buck knowing Eddie and knowing these notes were too personal for him to want anyone to see him receive them. So he left it like a stone in his pocket, the little piece of paper weighing his jacket down in a way that felt too literal. 

Eddie was already looking at Buck when Buck turned away from Abuela towards him. Those blue eyes immediately snapped down to the keys in Eddie's hand, then right back up to Eddie's face. He just smiled, though, and held a hand up. 

"Gimme the keys, I'll go open the door so you can grab Christopher?" He offered. Eddie tossed the keys over without hesitation, starting towards Abuela’s room to grab his son.

Ramon touched his shoulder before he could go too far, and he hesitated before opening an arm up in invitation. Eddie sighed, then took the offer to hug his father. The gesture was unpracticed. Awkward, a little uncomfortable but there was no doubt in Eddie's mind that it was genuine as far as affection went. 

"We love you, mijo." Ramon said. 

“I love you, too.” He answered.

Eddie collected Christopher into his arms, offering a final goodbye to his parents and Abuela. Buck was leaning against his truck, arms crossed and back door wide open and ready, when Eddie got outside. He stayed quiet as Eddie carefully put Christopher into the car, and he offered the sweet little smile of his as he handed the keys over. 

“Have a good night.” He said. 

Eddie wanted to ask. Wanted to say something about the note he could still feel buried deep in his pocket. They hadn’t spoken about it, yet. Neither of them had said anything about the notes. Eddie too frightened of how he felt about it and Buck knowing he wasn’t ready yet. And there was a part of Eddie that wanted to have that bravery, that wanted to mention it to Buck and figure out what exactly was going on. Did Buck realize what he was even doing to him? 

“Yeah, you too.” He ended up saying instead. But something in Buck’s gaze softened, as if he just knew everything Eddie was hiding under that casual response. Like he knew exactly what was going on in Eddie’s head and Eddie felt a little dizzy from it.

It felt like an eternity before Eddie opened the note. After Christopher was safely in his own bed, and Eddie was showered and in his pajamas on the edge of his bed. He swallowed thickly, lovingly brushing his fingers over the note he’d pulled out of his jacket pocket. He hesitated just a moment longer, then unfolded the sticky note.

_ Eddie Diaz, you are an amazing father who is raising an amazing kid. No one has the right to dispute that. And for what it’s worth? I love our family. Don’t ever doubt it. -B _

Eddie could feel his shoulders trembling as he read the note and the meaning behind it crashed through him. Buck had heard what his parents had said. Part of it, at least. And here he was, giving Eddie exactly what he needed to feel better about it. The exact thing he needed to be able to actually get some sleep tonight instead of staying up wondering if maybe he was just dragging his son down with him. Buck had known he needed something and here he was, offering it easily as if it were just his place in the universe. Like he was eager to do it, like he thought Eddie deserved this from him. 

He felt the tears streaking down his cheeks and he didn’t even bother to wipe them away. When was the last time he had allowed himself to cry? He clamped his eyes should, the trembling in his shoulders spreading down through his entire body until he was shaking in his spot. He took a shaky breath, leaning his hand close until that note was pressed against his mouth. As if being able to press his lips to that note would sate that desperate ache in his chest. As close to genuinely kissing his best friend as he would likely ever get.

And he knew how pathetic that was. How stupid and weak it was, hoping to get any sort of relief from these kind notes because he was too much of a coward to tell Buck how he felt. Too scared of what could go wrong to risk it, even though he knew Buck was too nice to let an unrequited crush ruin their friendship. Buck would let him down easy, he was sure of it, and somehow that just made it all that much worse. 

When Eddie had finally sobbed himself dry and raw, he curled up on his side and he fell asleep holding that note like it was the only thing keeping him from going under.


	5. Chapter 5

Buck was at the sink when Eddie came out from putting Christopher to bed for the night. Most of the dishes were already on the drying rack, waiting for Eddie to grab the towel and dry them off. It was domestic in a way Eddie had come to expect with Buck but that he tried his best to never take for granted. He grabbed that dish towel off the stove, settling in beside Buck so he could start drying off the dishes. 

“Still grouchy he didn’t get to stay up late?” Buck asked, a tiny quirk to his lips as he asked. Eddie rolled his eyes, sighing.

“Oh yeah.” He said, shaking his head. “I really can’t stand this ‘I don’t wanna’ phase.” 

“All kids go through it.” Buck answered, shrugging. “Pretty sure I’m still going through mine.”

“Yeah, well cut it out. Christopher is taking notes.” Eddie huffed, but he couldn’t stop from smiling when the comment caused a short but beautiful burst of laughter from Buck. 

“He’ll get over it soon, I’m sure.” Buck placed the last dish on the drying rack, and he took the hand towel when Eddie handed it over for him to dry his hands. 

Buck shifted so he was leaning back against the counter beside the sink, and Eddie moved until he could face him. The night had been fairly typical, but Eddie had felt a weight on him all night. A heaviness in the air that he wasn’t sure if Buck could feel or not. They hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary. Buck had banned Eddie from the kitchen so he could make dinner, so Eddie had helped Christopher with his homework. They had talked and joked and listened to Christopher as they ate. Then they had sat just a little too close, their eyes lingering a little too long on one another as Christopher had them sit through two different movies. 

And now, the silence was far too loud and Eddie needed to say something now before he exploded and ended up saying something stupid. He licked at his lips, looking down at the floor for a moment. As soon as he dropped his gaze, he felt the shift in the room. He could feel Buck tensing up and preparing for whatever this conversation was going to be. Eddie had been thinking about the newest note for the past week, since he’d first read it and cried until his eyes hurt over it. And he had to say something or he was going to go insane.

“Speaking of notes,” He said, and he immediately regretted it because it sounded so _ stupid _ . It sounded like some stupid segue from a bad sitcom and he hated that it was what had come out of his mouth.

“I went too far, didn’t I.” It came out less like a question and more like a statement, and it made Eddie snap his head back up to look at Buck. Brows furrowed, confused by the response he got.

“What? Buck, no, that’s not-” But Buck was already shaking his head, wringing that towel in his hands in a nervous tick and Eddie wanted to reach out to still his movements. 

“I didn’t mean to push that far. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I should have gone back in when I heard you arguing with them, I know and I’m sorry.” He rushed out, his brows knitting together in that way they did when he was overthinking something.

Eddie reached his hand out, finally, to rest it on Buck’s hands where they were still working around that hand towel. Buck clamped his lips shut immediately, staring at Eddie with an open expression. Brave, so damn brave, to leave himself this raw and vulnerable, opening himself up to Eddie so easily even when he was scared of being hurt. Buck wore his heart on his sleeve and it was one of the things Eddie admired most about him. But, right now? It was breaking his heart.

“Don’t apologize.” He insisted, when he realized he’d been silent for a handful of seconds too long. Buck licked at his lips - and standing so close, it was impossible for Eddie not to track the movement - and he nodded unevenly. "You didn't cross any lines. I needed it. You…" 

Eddie paused, closing his eyes and taking a slow breath to try and gather his thoughts. He could feel Buck starting to relax under his hand, and he tried to focus on that. Focus on Buck instead of overthinking all of this and ultimately running away. Like he always did. Thinking and thinking until he just decided not to do it at all. He wanted to be honest, wanted to be open because Buck deserved that. Eddie needed to meet him in the middle instead of waiting for Buck to cross that distance by himself. It wasn't fair of him to expect Buck to do all the work just because he was afraid he'd step out too far.

When Eddie opened his eyes back up, Buck looked less distraught and more confused. Patiently watching him, brows still furrowed together but the panic clearly gone. Perhaps still hesitant, but nowhere near the all out worry he had clearly been feeling when Eddie first mentioned the notes. Eddie swallowed thickly, and he squared his shoulders.

"You have no idea what getting those notes has meant to me. It's like you always know just what I need to hear and when." Eddie paused again, wincing because this sounded forced and unnatural coming from him and he had no idea how to say what he needed to say.

But Buck was clearly relaxing, the tense lines in his face smoothing out and the look in his eyes softening. That soft, shy smile tugging at his lips and butterflies exploded in Eddie's gut. Buck absently reached to place the towel on the counter, his free hand reaching forward until it was shyly hovering over Eddie's waist. When, after a moment, Eddie made no move to stop him, Buck rested his hand against him. His touch was warm, so hot Eddie was half convinced he would combust right there. That touch brought them a bit closer, nearly chest to chest and Eddie was struggling to take a breath.

"So the 'our family' thing wasn't too much?" He asked, sounding so much smaller than Eddie thought he had ever heard him. Eddie swallowed, then swallowed again when his throat just clicked dryly. 

"It wasn't too much." He answered, quiet. Breathed out like he didn't trust his own voice, and close enough he knew Buck could feel his breath on his lips. 

And it wasn't enough. It was nowhere near sufficient enough to explain what Eddie was thinking or feeling. It didn't even begin to cover how much that note meant to him, how much he longed for the idea of being a full family with Buck at his side. It didn't come close to explaining how he saw it as their family, too, how he wasn’t sure he knew how to exist without Buck’s steady, calming presence beside him anymore.

"I didn't really realize what I was saying until after I wrote it." Buck admitted, gaze ducking briefly. "But I just...i see you with Christopher and you're just...you two work so well together and you're a real, solid family and I want to be part of that, Eddie."

"You already are." Eddie choked out, his hand moving up from Bucks hand up his arm until he was holding onto his shoulder instead. He could feel Bucks shoulder rise with an unsteady breath, as if he had told Buck some grand news instead of a fundamental truth. 

It was silent for a long moment, and Eddie felt like he was on fire. Buck was so close, his hand resting on Eddie's waist and his thumb absently moving back and forth and it felt like the only thing grounding Eddie to reality. He felt dizzy, standing too close to Buck, unable to look at anything but pretty blue eyes because if he dropped his gaze then he would just be staring at Buck's lips. They were stepping blindly into unknown territory, and it was absolutely terrifying. But even with the fear swirling deep in Eddie’s gut, there was something more. An anxious anticipation, excitement at the idea of allowing himself to have this. To take it when Buck seemed willing to give even when Eddie didn’t believe he deserved it. 

Eddie’s eyes slid shut when he felt calloused fingers softly touch his jaw, tentative like Buck was just as terrified as he was. He tilted his head into the touch, letting out a slow breath and he lifted his free hand - the one not already on Buck’s shoulder - to place it over Buck’s chest. He felt Buck shift close, felt the pressure of Buck pressing their foreheads together. Their noses bumped a bit, and he felt more than he heard the unsteady, nervous breath that Buck let out.

“Eddie,” Buck started, voice quiet and vulnerable and Eddie just wanted to kiss him quiet. 

“Daddy!” Christopher’s voice cut through the heavy silence before Buck had the chance to continue - and before Eddie had the chance to follow through on his impulsive, desperate desires - and Eddie jerked back and away from Buck as if he’d caught fire.

They stood there, a solid few feet of space between them now, just staring at one another. Out of breath, eyes wide. Eddie suddenly felt unsteady on his feet, as if he’d been turned upside down and didn’t know where to find solid ground, anymore. He opened his mouth, hoping to try to ease Buck’s mind. Keep him from panicking or maybe even apologize for letting it get that far, but nothing came out.

“Daddy?” Christopher repeated, and the sound snapped Eddie right back into reality. He nodded a bit, still looking right at Buck.

“I’ll be right there, kiddo.” He called back out, his voice strained and uneven. He hesitated another moment, then started down the hall. 

He touched Buck’s arm as he passed, hoping and praying it was enough to keep Buck from running away. Enough to keep him from leaving because Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever get the courage to talk about this, again, if Buck just left. Eddie didn’t think he could be that brave and he hoped that the soft touch was enough to tell him that.

He made his way down to Christopher’s room, preparing for any number of possibilities. Anything from needing a drink to checking for monsters was fair game when Christopher wanted to stay up a little later. This one ended up being easy enough. Chris had gotten too hot, so he had wanted to change his pajamas, and now needed a bit of help. Eddie knew these situations frustrated him. That Christopher was bothered that sometimes he could do things without help, and then other times the same tasks required assistance. So Eddie helped him through it, smiling at him and kissing his head once he seemed settled down in his short sleeved shirt.

He tucked him back into bed, brushing his hand through his son’s hair as he leaned down to kiss his forehead one more time. His smile grew when Christopher offered a sleepy hum and his own smile.

“I love you, dad.” Christopher got out, the words a little slurred from sleep. Eddie’s chest felt tight, just like it always did when Christopher said he loved him.

“I love you, too, Christopher.” He said.

He left the door cracked, like he always did, as he left, and as soon as he stepped back into the hall his nerves shot right back up. Dizzy in a way that made it feel like he wasn’t quite attached to his own body, struggling to breathe and able to feel his pulse pounding in his ears. Would Buck still be there? He hadn’t heard the front door shut, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t slipped out. That walk back to the kitchen felt too long, so much longer than it had any right to feel. 

When he got to the kitchen, Buck was exactly where Eddie had left him. A frankly shocking wave of relief crashed over Eddie, made him feel like he could take a proper breath. But that relief spiked right back up into fear because this meant he had to talk about it. They had to say something because they’d pushed too far to ignore it, any longer. This wasn’t a hug that lasted too long, or sitting too close on the couch while they watched a movie. This wasn’t something they could sweep under the rug. 

As Eddie stepped closer to Buck, he realized Buck wasn’t looking at him. Was wringing his hands out and staring at the ground instead. Eddie was going to say something - though he wasn’t entirely sure what exactly it was he planned on saying - when he saw it. There, on the counter, was another sticky note. Eddie licked at his lips, unable to inhale, and he reached to pluck the note off the counter.

_ I love you.  _

No smiley face, no B to sign it. But even if Buck wasn’t still standing right there, Eddie would have known his handwriting. Eddie’s mouth went dry, his throat closing up and those butterflies went crazy in his stomach. It shouldn’t have been a revelation. It shouldn’t have shaken him like this because of course Buck loved him. It was obvious in everything he did. The way he took care of him, the soft touches and sweet smiles. The meals he made for them to share, the way he knew Eddie better than Eddie knew himself. This shouldn’t have been a surprise, and yet Eddie felt like his entire world was shifting and rearranging without giving him anything to hold onto. 

Eddie spent far too much time just staring at that little note. Far longer than was needed to read three words. But Buck stayed silent, didn’t make a single sound as he waited. When Eddie finally lifted his head to look at him, Buck was staring at him. Eyes wide and so open. So vulnerable, like he was just waiting for Eddie to tell him to leave. Waiting for all of this to crash down around them.

Eddie let out a - frankly embarrassing- strangled noise, something inside him clicking into place. He dropped the note, closing the distance between himself and Buck in a step and a half. He reached up, one hand lovingly cupping Buck’s jaw and the other moving further up. Cradling the side of Buck’s face, his thumb brushing over that birthmark on his brow. He only hesitated for a second or two before he was pulling Buck down to kiss him. It was a little clumsy, at first. Eddie’s movements too eager and out of practice, and Buck seemingly too shocked to respond. But it didn’t take long for one of Buck’s hands to slide into his hair and for a strong arm to wrap around Eddie’s shoulders. Dragging him closer as they kissed. Eager, verging on desperate, but certainly not rushed. Taking their time to press close and hold on.

Buck’s lips were warm, and it was a little strange to need to tilt up to kiss him instead of tilting down. But it felt so good, so right. Like he’d been waiting for this for eons. And Buck kissed him like he’d been waiting even longer. Buck held on like this was all he had ever wanted and it just made Eddie press even closer, pressed flush against his best friend as he kissed him like it’d be his last chance to. 

When they finally broke apart, Eddie gasped for breath. Chest heaving, heart pounding in the base of his throat. And while they had broken their kiss, Eddie didn’t pull away. He pulled Back right back in, letting their foreheads bump together. He pressed his thumb against the birthmark once more, then let his hand trail down until he could brush his thumb over Buck’s bottom lip, instead. He felt Buck press a kiss against his thumb, and he let out a breathless little laugh.

“So…” Buck breathed out, and there was still a hint of nerves in his voice even though Eddie could hear the smile. 

Eddie didn’t respond for a second or two, then he forced himself to pull back so he could look at Buck. His smile softened, head tilting slightly as he traced over Buck’s bottom lip again. There was something hopeful in Buck’s expression, and Eddie was tempted just to kiss him again.

“Yeah.” He said. “I love you, too.”

The smile he got in return was blinding, and there was nothing holding him back from kissing him, this time.


	6. Chapter 6

Buck didn’t stop with his notes. If anything, he left more of them now. Replacing his little smiley face with a little heart, leaving them everywhere. Some of them were the same as before, wishing him a good morning or reminding him to pick up orange juice from the store. A lot of them just said ‘I love you’. He would leave ‘I missed you, today.’ notes when their shifts didn’t line up, and one or two more risque notes left as they explored a more physical side to their relationship. 

Which wasn’t easy to do with an eight year old at home, but Buck would genuinely not have it any other way.

All in all, in the month since he’d mustered the courage to say ‘i love you’ - or write it, as it were - Buck’s note writing had only increased. He learned Eddie kept them all, a revelation that had ended in the two of them sprawled over the couch kissing like teenagers until it was time to pick Christopher up from school, and something about knowing Eddie loved the notes that much, that they meant so much to him that he wanted to keep them all? It made Buck feel a little dizzy. Made him feel like he had done something right, which he hated to admit was not a common feeling for him.

But, having a solid relationship budding with a man he had been in love with for longer than he cared to admit did not make him invulnerable to bad days. And today had been  _ bad _ . 

And the universe had not eased him into it, either. Starting off with the handle snapping on his full cup of coffee, leaving the cup to smash to the floor. And while cleaning that up, he had stepped on one of the broken pieces. Construction work that he was positive had not been there the day before left a single lane of traffic for a portion of his drive to work and by the time the back to back to  _ back _ calls with rude and uncooperative people finished, he was ready for his day to just be over already. 

When they finally managed to settle back down at the station after nearly eight full hours of being out and about for calls - and none of them were even that big of a deal! Mild fender benders and angry neighbors, the only one that even came close to being something serious was the teenager trying to impress his friends with a lighter and a can of Axe! - Buck wasn’t sure if he wanted to take out his annoyance on the punching bag or just take a nap.

Ultimately, he did neither. He made his way into the kitchen, instead. There was a small cupboard near the sink, too small to really be of much use for anything. But, it was big enough for Buck to stash a box or two of macaroni and cheese. Stupid as it was, stuffing some carbs into his face sounded like the best option when he had a bad day. A little sentimental, perhaps. Something Maddie would make for him when she was too young to know how to make anything else. Spirals, always the spirals, with extra butter and they would sit together under a blanket and eat it. Back when Buck was still small enough to curl into his big sister’s lap when he was upset, wrapped up with her and a bowl of cheap macaroni and cheese to share. It still eased his mind to sit down and eat it, though he knew if he admitted that then Maddie would never let him live it down.

When Buck’s hand touched that box, his brows furrowed. There was something on it. He blinked, hesitating briefly before pulling the box from the cupboard to look at it. It took a long moment to process, but there was a sticky note pressed to the front of the box. A thin layer of dust on the green post it told him it wasn't new, and he recognized that handwriting before even reading what it said.

_ Today must suck if you're reading this. I hope this makes it a little better. - GI _

Buck gaped at the little note for a long moment. His chest felt tight, eyes stinging as the weight of a stressful day clashed with the overwhelming adoration that threatened to burn him alive on a daily basis. Eddie had written him a note. Eddie had taken the time to try to make a potentially bad day better and Buck felt his stomach flipping and a smile tugging at his lips. 

He was moving before he knew what he was doing. He found Eddie in the lockers, seemingly preparing to go out into the gym. Buck’s smile just grew - it usually did when he saw Eddie - and he went to lean on the locker beside him. Eddie turned to face him with that sweet, crooked little quirk to his lips and Buck’s stomach flipped again. 

“Thank you.” Buck said, interrupting whatever Eddie was opening his mouth to say. Eddie blinked, brows furrowing. He only seemed more perplexed when Buck held up the macaroni and cheese box. 

“...What am I missing?” Eddie asked after a moment, and Buck snorted on a little laugh. 

Buck smiled a little wider, tilting the box to make it easier for Eddie to see the sticky note that he himself had stuck to it. Even still, it seemed to take a long few seconds before Buck saw the recognition light up in his eyes. Eddie laughed, looking off to the side bashfully and Buck felt a little dizzy from it because he was making Eddie look like that. 

“I forgot I did that.” Eddie admitted. “That’s at least two months old. Maybe older.” 

“Well it made my shitty day better.” Buck said, shifting in a way that put him further into Eddie’s space. Not touching him, but seeking him out. Wanting that contact because he was allowed to take it, now. 

And Eddie seemed to understand that, because he reached out to rest a hand on Buck’s hip as if by instinct. Like just being within reach of him was enough for Eddie to move without thinking, wanting to close the distance between them. It made Buck smile even more brightly, made his chest feel tight in the best way and he leaned in to brush his lips over Eddie’s.

“Does this mean ‘GI’ is going to be a thing, now?” He asked, his bright smile turning a little more teasing, a little more playful. He felt Eddie laugh against his lips, felt him nip teasingly at his bottom lip before he pulled away.

“Absolutely not.”


End file.
